June 16, 2021

My tent that I built in the backyard has fallen due to the wind and the rain last night, my grandmother woke me up early and I went and disassembled it. I been reflecting about how things have went and how I understand that there’s a need for grace. If there was grace in the situation with Vee and Dee things could have been resolve but there were none. They are trying to win over the Church/my family by the means of the law. “Well, he did this… and if he didn’t do that… then I wouldn’t have done this” They try to justify things to the Church as if those of the Church aren’t responsible for what’s happened.

People in the Church are trained to be fake, if you can be fake, you can hold your own and endure being in the Church. Because people care more about what thing seem to be and not what things are. They would judge you and never love you, because the “love” they give is fake, its a false sense of being loved, but true love endure many truths, but once the truth comes out the fake love is no where to be found. I thought deeply about how I could have handle the situation better and reality is, is that, I should have gave them fake love in return for fake love, but it’s my desire to give real love, because that’s what I am capable of, giving real love.

There’s a lot false and issues in the Church and people think their a good person because they could look past it, then judge the hell out of a homeless man as if you can’t look past his flaws external and see someone baring a soul that the winds of life has went against him and it led him there not he chose to be there instead of having a better life. I am far from being the man that I need to be, but I won’t get there quicker by people judging me. Jesus was perfect in the eyes of the father yet was judge to a mere blasphemer by the Jews people, you can’t win that game without being a liar. Nobody wins by being fair and honest, in every winner there’s a lie somewhere. The only thing that’s even on the playing field is the court that’s it.

People may see my behavior and say I acted irrational, but I think its irrational to be a liar. I think it’s irrational to betray people. I say weird things as I have been called out, but I also say truthful things that others fear to say because of them being exposed. If people want to exposed me, go right ahead, people have already condemned me in their minds so why not feed their interest against me. The game was design against me, but I am aware of that and if I play the game to my advantage, I am wrong. In your ignorance you’ll believe things are fair but in reality, in the truth, things are highly unfair and those who exploit it the most, keeps it out of your knowledge.

I can be naïve but only for so long because I am a seeker of truth and you can only keep it away for so long. I will starve myself of the lies and will say “only the truth can nourish me” I made mistakes with Dee and Vee, intentionally so that the relationship can be broken, I don’t like the grey area, but that’s where everyone lives. This world if full of subjectivity, not truth. So instead of try to control what’s true, they deal with what is subjective. My loyalty is with the Lord, with the one who is true and will always be true.

Vee and Dee are the wrong people for my life, but they’re the right people for Church. People are too selfish for a relationship. Relationships requires self-sacrificing. I live in a by Grace.

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