June 17, 2021

Yesterday night I talked to my oldest brother, Jamar. He gave a real counseling like session. He broke down some things for me about women. I value his perspective, I can tell he knows a lot about this stuff and its something he is familiar with. I could have tried to get in my bag of what I know but I wanted to just be there to soak up some game, which I don’t mind.

I also spoke to my dad after dodging his calls for the sake of not addressing the issue that I had with Vee and Dee. He basically kind of told me that they weren’t any good and I should find a woman that loves me and loves God. He said somethings that I couldn’t complete follow and understand like, “One ruined it for the rest of them” He basically told me that one of the girls ruined “it” I am not sure exactly which one but I am just focusing on moving past these issues.

I was sort of hype after talking to Jamar because I felt that I gain some necessary perspective and that I could move forward with a better understanding. Honestly, I need to have more conversations like those. I am a very confident individual, I just like to stick to what I know. I try not to overcompensate for what I don’t know, I enjoy putting myself in positions where I can learn.

My father was calling me trying to invite me to come to this church meeting online, I knew they was going to try to bring up the situation, I had no interest in addressing it. If it was going to be a open and honest discussion, I would have been open to considering it, but I knew it was going to be a load of BS. Certain things are messed up and are going to stay messed up.

Moving forward I was reflecting over the past years and my experience with women. One thing I can say is that through out this situation, God has truly been protecting me. My bond and relationship with God has grown over the past few weeks and this situation intensified it. I remember when Vee rejected me I was devastated and I was noticing I wasn’t eating. I still don’t eat as much, I drink regularly. through the fasting of the flesh came the strengthening of the spirit. I remember also with Dee when I sent her that birthday text apologizing, I was laying on my bed and I had a mental breakthrough where I felt unworthy to know Christ, It was like my mind was opened and I saw Christ as he was and I got on my knees and prayed, thanking God for this revelation and praying to God that I don’t forget about this moment of awakening.

To know God and to be known by God is better than to know a woman and to be known by a woman. Truth be told, God who is more valuable than anything/one, gave up himself. Chasing sex is chasing a perishable thing but pursuing a oneness with God, is to seek that which is imperishable for God is unchanging. The reality of the world is constantly changing. Women could never hold a position solidly whether is positive or negative, they will go back on their word, making false promises. As men we aren’t raise to be as reckless with our word and actions. We have to have self-accountability, with the awareness and willing to take the fall for everything we do and everything that goes wrong.

I was encouraged to purse other women and I intent to but the pursuit of God is greater, more reward, more masterful. I am more complete and whole after obtain the food of the Lord. I can have faith and trust that he will not abandon me, leaving me hanging to starve and die. People will, but God won’t. I thank God that people have choosing to go against because it revealed how much God is for me. God wouldn’t let my enemies have my soul, he delivers me, he saves me from the wrath of my enemies. A woman could never be my enemy but she can be used as tool by the adversary. My hope is in the Lord, better is he who girded up his loins and walk in the way of the Lord. For Christ persecutors desire to kill him before his time but God provided a means of escape.

It’s appointed unto man to die once, Christ already gave up his life. Thereafter is life and life more abundantly and people today who haven’t received Christ, perishes for their own sins. However those who have Christ need not to die. For their life is sperate from sin, the veil has been ripped, we can know God for ourselves and be joined unto him and know him as ourselves. For who are we sperate from God?

Many have their identity wrapped up around sin and they don’t know themselves sperate from it. What is a living God have to do with dead things? Ye, there are those who are dead and remain dead until the redeemer comes, but when he came they have chosen death not life. They rather be asleep and slumber instead being awake watching and praying. They knew not their redeemer, the one who came to save them. They had no hope in the Lord, they believe lies and deception, they deceiveth no one but themselves. They hope in vain and folly awaits them. Ye, I tell you, they are knowers of death but fools unto that which is alive and made alive by Christ Jesus. God is fair, righteous and just to reward those who seek dead things, death and unto those who seek living things, life. It’s God’s regard for out lives that makes our lives valuable not our regard for our own life.

The road back from hell is long and treacherous and the pit has claimed many, but few are they that are righteous. Few are they that truly loves God and honors him with their life and live accordingly unto his word. I sawt a dead things but the redeemer have known me and because of him, I am known by the father. The Church is a pit that many have fallen in and it’s victims are numerous but ye their is one, Christ who is the victor and has the victory. The Church proclaims “we are the way to righteous” but many live out wickedly behind closed doors. The Church says “Stop living in sin and follow us” but they perish just like those whom they condemn and try to save, for God is not a fool, he knows our inner thought and sees our deeds when we think no one is watching. The wicked waits until those who are righteous have gone, to fulfill their wicked deeds, they say “all among me do what I do except the righteous, we must remove the righteous from amongst us so that we can be one in our wickedness.” Truly, they are seekers of death. If they where any righteous among you, God would have not destroy the land. Since the righteous have fled, been exiled, or persecuted unto death, they’re none among you.

I had a dream last night about a lady I went to school with name Alizae, she didn’t something against me like stole something but I feel like I am dream about her because my mind is desperate for a woman of some kind to attach to. I also had a dream a couple days ago that I was laying my head in Vee’s lap in church. The poverty is real, I am pray for deliverance. The desire and lust has plagued my dreams.

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