June 1, 2021

I went to my father’s church last sunday and things got heated. Firstly, I invited Vee and Dee’s older sister to come, she of course didn’t show up. So I didn’t check in with her to see if she would come, I felt the invitation was enough, if she wanted to be there she would have shown up. When I got there the church was more crowded that it usually was because of them having a guest speaker. One thing I must say about pastors and preaching, is I don’t like the punchline preaching, where instead of giving people the word, there up there cracking jokes looking for a laugh. Take God Serious.

I saw Vee and of course I was happy to see her, I love that woman. I saw Dee too and it was good to see her too. I already knew the energy was going to be off and people probably knew the same, I sat in the back. I seen a family member come in, I pretty sure her name was melissa, I think she my dad’s cousin. she touch my arm that was laying on the pew and I looked up was like ‘hey’ she said ‘hey’ I then dapped up her son because I was familiar with her kids faces as I am sure they are with mine.

When Vee and Dee knew I was there I saw there friend or someone they knew had her arm around Dee, like to comfort her. I saw Vee look back at me a couple of times. This time, I didn’t look back, because I wanted all the smoke. Dee didn’t attempt to look at me, but I knew she was gonna see me. Also mike (my cousin) came in and I greet him and dapped him up. This is where things went left, but in a good way. The preacher was done preaching and my father spoke. My father basically opened the panel/floor for anyone to speak calling people to speak. My grandma of course spoke but I something I forgot to mention is that the speaker was like “I know there’s millionares, in this room” and my dad standing up was like “I said that!” and he also said something that interested me which was “I feel like talking about marriage” or “I feel God wants me to speak about marriage” that was interesting and of course my grandmother had things she wanted to say.

First things she mention was about my grandfather and how he was dealing with dementia, she said at some point he went to the hospital and they wanted to keep him there and someone told her to go get her husband out the hospital (something like that) and she said that if she left him there he was going to die. She also meant she never put him in a nursing home and she said her son “not the one that the pastor” (my dad) went to make sure to feed my grandfather and made sure he was taken care of. After my grandmother said that, my dad looked down and wept.

Now, after she said all of that she wanted to get into something I know she said by me being there. She said basically that due to her having a husband she never had to worry about paying a mortgage or anything of that sort that due to my grandfather being in the army and being a veteran he got approved for loan on his mortgage or some type of discount he got approved for. I am pretty sure she said that to say that it’s better to get married and have a husband. I think she was saying that not just to vee and dee but others too because she knew about what happened and what I did, she thought to mention that.

NOW, this is where things got left, basically church was rapping up and my father was like “we gotta take the offering before we wrap up” So he asked if anyone wanted to hold the basket to collect offer then he (knowing I wasn’t going to volunteer) called me up to collect offering now, I knew if I saw Vee and Dee I might lose my shet. So I hesitated as I was walking up and my father said “Move quickly” I was like damn in my head cus I knew I didn’t planned to be in front of people. I got up there and got handed the basket and as I stood there I was struggling cus I didn’t want to look at them cause like I said, I might lose my shet.

I was mainly looking down then I looked at Dee and I saw how she had this dead look on her face, like she didn’t fuk wit me and I was like “ding” that’s enough for me to lose my shit. Then my energy changed bad. I was slowing starting to get teary I tried to remove the pain of what I was feeling but It was too late and I was so upset that I didn’t give a fuk who saw me like that, It was fury. Vee was sitting in her sit she saw me, attempted to wispher to Dee and she was unresponsive cus I was in my “you got me fuk up” energy and Dee wanted to fight me, my eyes got weary cause I didn’t want give her that work but if you think I’m the type of nigga that wont um *laughing emote* bih ya wrong.

So my fury started to show with levels of saddness and it felt like nothing else matter to me in that moment I was so intense in my disposition I am sure I threw the whole rooms energy off. I didn’t care I was ready to tear that bih down. Vee got up and touched my basket because that’s what she do for some reason… Ummm bih don’t get touched trying to touch my basket. But I am pretty sure she liked to see me that way. I didn’t want to be that way cus once I hit my threshold, God won’t save you or prevent the damage Im about to do. But I believe Vee knew in that moment that I felt that way because I loved them. That was the wholesome thing about that. Dee eventually left and likely went to the bathroom to cry I don’t know but she walked out. I was heated man, I was so intense in my energy, like the sun.

A little kid walked up to give a bunch of coins in his hand, he was more like a baby he was toddler, and I reached down and lowered basket so he can put his money in. It was a wholesome moment, Then prince my little brother dropped his money in the basket and I went to give him a high-five and he gave me this hard high-five which i didn’t even feel how intense he hit my hand but my dad was like “softly” after he seen prince do that but that was another wholesome moment.

I really did miss Vee and Dee and I hope they missed me, there’s something wholesome about is being around each other. But this situation had to happen. The one thing about this, is that it’s public and everyone knows about it. I want things to get better but I remember reading my numberology chart this year and it said basically I should enter into a new relationship this year which I wasnt even planning to do. but next year would be better. I also looked at the meaning of 2021 and it was bad I am going to look up and see if I can find what it was saying. Actually it was the number 21 that had a lot bad meaning attached to it.

Twenty-one symbolizes the great wickedness of rebellion and sin. After the children of Israel left Egyptian bondage they had 21 major rebellious events as their traveled and wandered the wilderness.

basically it talked about 21 being the outgrowing of sin, it coming to it’s fullness and I think things have reflected that. I looked up 22 and it said it means bibically “disorder and chaos” So that not great. I am hope for the necessary changes to happpen and however long that may take, I am willing to wait. I have been impatience with Vee and Dee and this situation. I am trying to fix before God fully utilized the situation, I got to go at God past or things will go bad for me if I don’t.

Vee seems like she willing to wait as well, but she don’t like when I become impatience like when I went on a date with her sister. That was me trying to take things way to fast. Vee knows she is worth waiting for and she is willing to wait, so I need to be the same. God knows I love them and I want to be righteous in my love cause I know the foundation of me Vee and Dee’s relationship is being worked thru right now. It’s vitally important for me to not allow myself to fall short and not tempt them into sin and they not do the same.

I know I can get them there, They have to trust me and I know if God’s got me, then I got them. They have to let me led, because I’ll be damned if I let a woman led me, that will never work out. Vee is so willing and patience and she have to understand that I am the right man I have to grow into the role. This ultimately is bigger than Vee, Dee and I. It’s about Camper’s temple, the church is at stake when I am not there. That’s what my father and God is more concern about, and reasonably so.

I don’t want to be irresponsible about the role I play and and how important it is for me to be there and be apart of the church I don’t want to be like the prodigal son, leaving my father’s house only to have to return again after wasting my inheritance. I am the future of Camper Temple, but what’s important to me is not leading a church but leading my family. This is much farther down the line but the planning and preparation begins now.

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