May 28, 2021

So, I would like to start this post with something positive like some scriptures but I am going to hop right into issues at hand. I sent Dee some money, I sent her and my mom money a while ago maybe 2 weeks ago. Both I sent the money with the purpose of pay for their rent. Later on I see Vee and Dee in Orlando, FL and I was like “wow, they spent that money on a trip?!” I did think negatively of it at first but then I realize they had bad intentions even thou I had good ones.

I didn’t trip about it, but I did acknowledge to them that I knew that they went on a trip. They got very defensive, which let’s me know everything I need to know. Later on, a couple days later, called Vee and asked her if she wanted to go someone, I told her don’t worry about the details, she agreed. The date was tuesday, but I texted her Sunday, because she said she was also available then. She then procced to ask me about my age and without say it, basically said that I was too old for her and deence was too. Then she tried to send me on a date with her sister.

I agree to the date, then I checked Vee for agree then backing out. She replied then of course she was upset. I message back in a respectful matter and that didn’t matter to her. I went on date things didn’t go a badly as we both thought and message Dee to see if she wanted to go on a date too and I left some other messages about Vee.

So far this is where I realized that they where exposing my messages to show my family. I thank God for them doing this. We live in a world where people protect the wicked and leave the good defenseless. Vee and Dee thing their doing me a disservice but truly their are doing God one, but I do what I do in alignment of God and who he is. Also I am grateful for how God is using this situation for my good, all I had to do was be patience and faithful to God.

I haven’t been wanting to go to Church and this situation exposed at lot of the reasons why, I am not better than anyone else but the reality is, is that people come to church lying about who they are. They act good and godly when wickedness knows them better that goodness and the devil has claimed them as their own.

I am not say I’m better than them, but I am not like them. The modern church has is foundation built off of naïve and wicked people. When I met their older sister I notice that she wasn’t attention church either but started to when Vee and Dee first started going. I though that was powerful because that help me realize that she wanted to be in a “better environment” but couldn’t find one.

That’s one of several areas where me and their sister Nay had in common. I thought it meant something that was looking as I was looking and somehow we found/ran into each other, in unfavorable terms but only in a way God could bring it to fruition. I was the fool in this situation but God turned my foolishness into wisdom, that made me have gratitude for the fact I was a fool. Vee and Dee handle the situation so poorly that I wouldn’t be surprised if people looked at them differently after this. Some knew saw it in them and already knows how they are.

I would never say I was a victim, because victims are usually unaware of the evil that is bestowed upon them and had no time to prepare. I was fully aware of who their where and what they was likely to do. So it was more like watching one of you piece on a chess board that you knew as in danger getting taken away… except I gained more than I lost.

See, God is the one who is in control. As joseph said to his brothers “What you intended for evil, God intended for good” I had good intentions that why when they “exposed” me they only showed how true I was to being a good man. Honestly, I feel now more at peace, because I was afraid of betrayal by a woman, I wasn’t harmed in the process because I was ready and alert. I didn’t allow myself to rest.

My fear of God has increased, I still have my moments of falling short but I realized that God is even more faithful the more we make mistake, the more we are aware of it. If we live in self-righteousness, we can never see God faithful because we are too busy focusing on our own.

God has a master plan that wouldn’t fail over my plans that did fail. I didn’t have perfect intentions with Vee and in her weakness she agreed but now moving for we operate from our strengthens and do things in the perfect will of God. Now that my love for Vee is made know, its not just my forgiveness and grace that she must seek or God’s its also other people forgiving her and be gracious towards her as I have. Not because she did wrong by them, but they seen how she did wrong by me and if I can move past it, then so can I.

I seen how this situation, once made public can better serve other people. I was temped to message Vee about how important for us to resolve our issues for the sake of other but I knew she wasn’t going to understand. She probably still thinks she’s right, but even if she is right I am not there. So if I was bad guy who punished and exiled from church and family, it’s not to their benefit.

In fact when I am not there, things don’t seem better. If things was better when Christ wasn’t around, Christ would have never came, because their would have been no need for him. He don’t desire to be where we are but us where he is. This why Christ says “come! follow me” We need to forsake the evil we have one known and have known us and join unto Christ in a holy communion knowing that which is the things of God and forsaking all of that which are the things of this world.

We have strayed far way from God, but I come to restore much of what has been lost and as long as God is with me, he will protect me and guide me along the way. For the sake of those who can be saved to be saved. He has been preparing me for a time such as this and I have long awaited the time to be great and then rest.

So many falling in the bottomless pit of work but never rest. It’s ceaseless and senseless. When we enter into God’s rest, that not based of righteousness but obedience for even the wick know to obey their master, but it’s in obedience to God’s will and his way do we learn about his rest. The living rest, for the dead they do rest once their deeds has came back upon them and overwhelm them. Some may call it burnout with God and his work, you don’t burnout you burn brighter.

So bright that all those who are unclean will flee from the the devil will hid in fear of you, in reverence of the one you serve. A light that can cast out all darkness. Engross yourself in God’s word, like oils for the body, like one who puts on suntan lotion, cover yourself with his word and leave no pathway of enter for the devil to get in. Be full of God word and his light so that others can see it and rejoice.

I don’t know anything, my ignorance proceed me. People say that Vee is too young for me, which I can understand, but I thought the man being older than the woman was a positive thing not a negative one. I am only 5 years older than her which is significant because she’s under 20, so five years is huge gap. However we are both legally adults, I think it matters if the dynamic of age was negative. I understand how people say it isn’t good because of the fact she still in many ways is still consider a child.

The idea of me being some perv who is prey on a little girl is so false. Vee is the only chic I liked who was younger than me. Every other women/female I liked was always older than me. She’s the only one. There’s a lot I don’t understand, I’ll be the first to admit that and looking back at this situation maybe I could understand better of how wrong I was. Right now, I don’t know where I am at, I feel I am aging in reverse. My mind is getting younger, I am having thoughts that I haven’t thought since I was a kid, it’s like my mind is loosing track of time and my youth is remerging.

I say those things because, I don’t even perceive my age in me. I am more mature than my age but I am also deeply connected to my youth. I can’t explain, when you spend alot of time alone, you stop comparing yourself to others and start comprehending who you are. Who I am, isn’t able to be verified or validated by my age. After saying what I had to say to Vee and Dee I do feel a since of peace, cause I got what want to say off my chest but didn’t want to do it at the expense of them but I need to communicate clearly for clarity.

This situation blew out of portion because I called her a “lil girl” yet that’s exactly what she is to me if I am too old for her. I think that it’s difficult to be honest and in good standing with a woman. It’s like, it’s a requirement to be a liar to have a decent relationship. I understood my tone was negative but how she reacted was worst that my tone.

I’ve talked to myself about how I couldn’t be with someone Veronica age, I though that she was older now and have matured but I was mistaken. The bad behavior only hardened and the good/sincerity/innocence has fallen away. However I think there’s a positive spin to this situation, I met Nay in it. Nay and I could potential end up becoming friends or more. After dealing with the frustrations of Vee I need a break with a woman who knows how to take of a man and who can be good company. That’s the only beacon of light in this situation, outside of that it’s bleak, but things could turn around.

I am not good with woman, I don’t have game or know how to use that “mouthpiece” to get women. I just know how to be myself, that’s it, that’s all I got. Sometimes that’s enough, you don’t need no more than that. I can’t betray myself to become a person that someone would prefer me to be, I can’t betray God for the man who he intended for me to become, no way. I know can and will find a woman who will appreciate me for who I am without reservations. It just seems as though I can’t find it with Vee, unfortunately.

Rejection from others sucks but to reject myself or to reject Christ is worst. I was having dreams about Vee, desire to know her better since I met her, but with righteous and pure intentions. Was their lust and other ungodly things that could have influenced of course. When you haven’t have many conversations with someone naturally that’s what would happen. But me and Vee are so opposite that it makes us (at very least me) attracted to each other. I agree that there’s something wrong with a grown man wanting a lil girl, but I know that I love Vee in way that I only want to love one woman.

My willingness to sacrifice for her, is unmatched to anyone before her. My desire to protect her is deeper than my desire to protect myself. My love for her is greater than my love for this world. I fasted and pray for her. I thought long and deeply about, having sleepless night. I woke up with her on my mind and was excited to start my day. If I didn’t believe the feelings couldn’t have been mutual, I would have never pursued her. I didn’t see moment where Vee was happy that I was around and happy to see me, I would never shot my shot. I am confused, because I think she does want to be with me but could be denying because of what others have said and also her own doubts.

She was offended by me going on a date with her sister, yet she’s not interested in me. That could just be ego, or there is genuine feelings there that she’s not sharing. A belief and faith that she has for us to work out. I don’t know what she wants, but I do know that I want her, but not at the expense of betray my truth or the truth. For to me that is betraying God. I love God more than I love Vee, and God loves her more than I could. I don’t know man, I was hurt when she rejected me. I was struggling with that when I was on the date with her sister. I just wish Vee would have shown me or told me in way where I could see closure. But women love to keep the door open to see what they could get out of you before they smack you with the truth of the fact they don’t love you and never liked you, despite them acting like it.

That’s some thing I hope she deeply reflects upon, play games with people feelings, not being honest. God don’t like that behavior. She’ll find herself single and alone with that attitude. I pray for people but they have to see better for themselves. Vee actually did me a solid, so I thank her for that. I still believe if she got to know me better, she could perceive a person she could truly be with. I will continue to better myself.

I know I can be overly ambitious and sometimes too forward. I hope that as Vee gets older and mature she’ll realize that I was great guy for but she was too immature to realize and fully appreciate it. I imagine me still liking her the older she gets and hopeful put to rest this idea I was interested in her due to her being underage, like a perv. But I know that people will judge, misperceive and reticule you with little to no bases for why other than they believe someone about you.

My father said that he was proud to see me talking to a woman, or should say he was happy to see that I liked woman. As if I was gay or something. Once again, people misperceiving who I am, believing one thing when I am really other. I am just a guilty of misperceiving as others. I try to stay close to the Father so even in my ignorance I am still protected and he delivers me.

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