April 27, 2021

I’ve been contemplating the P.O.I energy. I thought about Myrna and the recent event of her getting married. It was interesting to see, cause I randomly thought to look her up and found out that. Knowing that sees blocked me and me wanted to see the updates in her life. I thought to create a positive and inspirational Instagram page to see if she’ll add me back, because creating a personal page didn’t work. She can see that it’s new and it don’t follows anyone.

You might wonder, why do you care? Why do you still check up on her and why can’t you just move on. That’s a fair point except I thought about how the P.O.I energy began and also how I started to find an authentic interesting in wanting/pursing women. It all began with me liking Myrna. And I’ve consciously and subconsciously been trying to recreate that situation of desirability and pursuit of a woman.

I met Myrna back in 2017 and since then I’ve been investing time and energy to developing myself and discovering how I can gain a partner in this life. My situation with Myrna plays a huge foundational role in my interest in women. I am not upset at the new of her being married, I am hoping the best for her. However, there’s a little thought in the back of my mind that says “She’s yours” or “That’s the first woman you loved and you shouldn’t give up on her, give it time and she’ll be divorced” or “You’ll be looking for her in other women and ultimately be settling for less”

Those thought led to me reviewing the relationship I desired with her and what made me want her. There are certain things that can’t be recreated no matter how much efforted. For example with Veronica, I do care about her and have an interest in her and I, right now feel so powerless because my desire for her is so strong and that I think about her everyday. I can’t help but to be obsessive. Relationship are extremely important to how we relate and develop in this world and it needs our time attention and effort in order to be successful and fulfilling.

I thought back to the younger me who sent Myrna poem after poem and was relentless at pursing her and I know Veronica desires the same things from me. To be the focal point of my desire. However, there is conflict of interest. I remember when I wanted Myrna, she was the only woman I wanted and I transmuted my desire to create poems for her. Still to this day, wish I still had some of those poem I wrote and saved them. The problem I see lacking in my relationship with Veronica is that she requires more from me than I believe she requires from herself.

Veronica can be crafty and tricky at times cause she knows how to get what she wants and when she see what she wants, she’ll do anything to get it. That’s concerning for me because it’s hard for me to discern what’s authentic with her and what isn’t. I feel as though there’s a lot immaturity in her that stems from childhood and also from her father. I don’t know how she can even think to be in a relationship with a grown man without working through those things. Because I will inherit those issues.

Denece to me has come of more authentic, realistic and more self-reflective than Veronica has been. Not to say Veronica can’t be that or hasn’t been, it’s just that she don’t care enough about me to pay a regard for how those past wounds/trauma can affect the other person. I know I have generational curses I have to break and personal issues to work through and intent to, but I’ll be damned if I get into a relation with a person who don’t have that same mentality of self-improvement. Denece to me, seem more marriageable.

Apart of me wants to think that I couldn’t maintain a healthy relationship with a woman who isn’t older than me because of the fact that I need partner who can be more responsible than me. I am not interesting shouldering most of the responsibilities under this concept that I am a man and that’s my job. Most women today I believe don’t know how to function in a household with a man, because the haven’t seen it done right.

I don’t know how you can have a healthy relationship with someone who has unrealistic expectations in relationships. Nor with a person who can’t take accountability or blame, their first line of defense is to blame the other person and find flaws and faults with the other person to justify their behavior. These are some key factors that concerns me with Veronica and why I don’t see how think can work in the beginning, of course overtime things can improve, but that is through immense work, faith and a strong foundation.

Mutual values is also vital important seeing that, that is something we fall back on a lot when things aren’t working.

I can’t help but to think about the dynamic that I foresaw in me and Myrna’s relationship. I know its mostly some lofty thing I imagine this to be and not based in reality but I think it’s important to point out what you idealize. Also I think about how me and Myrna coming from different background can lead to a lot learning about ourselves and how we can uses our differences to our advantage.

The way I kind of imagine me and Myrna’s relationship to be is one where we mutual appreciates our love for arts and writing/reading. I imagine that we could grow together to become better individuals for one another. I had such a definiteness about us being meant to be together and a surety that it will workout. That confidence, I think is lacking with Veronica. Not to say I don’t believe things can workout but I can see that it’s a tough and long road ahead with many bumps along the way.

One of the things that made me move on from Veronica as a P.O.I and being the main woman I was interested in was seeing that she has this attachment to family and how the circles she livings in she don’t intent to get out of them is like family is more important than anything else. Which I can understand and relate to but I don’t have this attachment to my family and to want to be at church which for me is the same as being around family. I don’t desire to stay in that environment and I won’t restrict myself to fit in.

I tried to show up to church to support her and I just couldn’t come around to the idea of me being there consistently and I try to be as consist as possible. I just couldn’t. I rather figure things out on my own than to be in a environment where people all behave, act and think the same. This is far from idealistic and I would have to compromise my happiness to be in it. I love my family, I love what church is supposed to be but I’ve outgrown that idea that I need them or that environment to feel supported.

All I truly care about is truth and things can lead you unto it or away from it. Following traditionalism will lead you astray. Vee and Dee are grown women who can do what they want but I can’t follow that wave because the end I believe it will be unfavorable. I believe in dedicating and sacrificing your life for a cause but at what cost and what is there to gain. Most things people do are for other people, I want people to live there truth no matter how it may look. There’s so much judgement and ridiculing in the church that we’ve lost sight of compassion and grace. What happened to it, we have strayed away from God and fallen into self-righteousness and traditionalism. Where is God?

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