April 20, 2021

I manage to get back on track, I am working on building up a decent financial portfolio. As for the P.O.I energy I am working toward build more of a God based relationship, that’s what I’ve been striving for since the very beginning of my interests in building a relationship back in 2017. I still feel like I have more self-improvement work to do as for them they have things that a can work on too.

I went to church once when my father wasn’t there, I made efforts to come back but it just didn’t fall through. Last Sunday when I tried to go to church I arrived a little to early so I left. I think now I am just accept that It’s not meant for me to go. I get very nervous and uncomfortable with the idea that the only way I can see my P.O.I’s is thru the church. Christ is the gateway not religion. So I manage to text Veronica recently to encourage her. I knew that I wasn’t likely for me to come back so I tried to at least maintain some level of me being apart of her life, no matter how small of the role it was.

I text Denece before about her poem, not criticizing her but letting her know that I thought she was worth more than garbage.

One of things I’ve been trying to work against, is this I idea that I have to be a nice guy. I have this theory that the nice I become, the more likely I am not interested in the chick. Not to say I am not nice to girls I like but I am lesser like to try to cater to an image of being a nice guy and rather get a chick to get to know me forreal. I can identify that sometimes females don’t desire to get to know the real you and just rather want to have a good time. I can understand that if my agenda was just simply sex. I also understand that overtime when you spend time with someone you can get to know them an evaluate if you want to be with that person.

For me, is not hard for me to start to care about a woman when I am around her for long. A part of me don’t want Veronica to catch feelings for me because I understand that, I am not an easy person to be around let alone be with. I rather her find her way to be content with just a friendship. However I am aware that she wants more, and I would also want more.

I get triggered very easily and I find it hard to participate in a system that I have little to no desire to be in. Or to compete for a love that I have for myself and God has for me. What more could I aspire for outside of the love of God. With Veronica, things seems to be complicated. Because there is feelings there, but I am unsure about what’s the likely hood of these feelings to materialize into true love.

I know I am fully realized my love for her however I know that my love would be taken for granted if I don’t acknowledge my worth and value. I try to be humble and meek but I don’t want my willingness to be humble and meek to be seen as weakness. I am humble before God and it leads me to try to be meek before men.

I notice that I have this underlying layer of anger and distrust but I can identify them same things to be true in Veronica. There are certain things I want us to put behind us but we are both stubborn people but in our stubbornness is a deep desire to be highly generous. That anger stems from that love and generosity being abuse and taken advantage of.

I feel as though Veronica is not likely to trust me but wants to.

As for Denece I feel she’ll come around to what I have to offer when I do. I feel that the road with denece is alot easier than with Veronica, mainly because my issues that I can see arising with Denence can be resolved with more honesty. However with Veronica it seems as though the more honest I am the easier she can identify my weakness and lose attract or find ways to exploit it.

The struggle with Vee (Veronica) seems to be how can I be my authentic and honest self without hurting her or losing a sense of respect. With Dee (Denece) the struggle is how can I develop an honest and truthful relationship, without abusing her love for me.

“Love and be who you are.”

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