March 8, 2021

It’s important to develop good/healthy habits early on in live so you can implement them later on in life when one becomes more successful.

Truly, truly. Right now in my life I recently discovered that I’ve been living at Ms. James house for almost 7 years. This year would be the 7th year. It made me think about the bible and how Jacob worked for Laban for 7 years for one wife. When the 7 years was up he work another week (7 days) for the next wife, which was the one he wanted. The point I’m trying to make is that. If these stent here at Ms. James house was a time period that was only meant to last for 7 years. That means it’s almost up.

I am grateful for my grandmother and what she has allowed me to do. I’ve benefited greatly, but I knew in my heart that surely overstayed my stent here. I’ve been desiring to leave every since around 2018 that was the year I started working at Ford and also the year I met veronica. I remember when I started at Ford planning to move out once I got stabilized. I didn’t have a car, I didn’t have no savings. I was just starting out.

I couldn’t overexaggerate how desperately I desired to move out and my time at Ford continued. I thought if I get my car that’ll be my big break that will free me up and allow my to have a better time staying her. Nope, I only made me realize that no matter how much progress I made in my life in other people’s eyes I’m reduced to just be a boy. I got it on both sides, my mother and my grandmother, co-opting together to micromanage and control my life.

I wasn’t a bad kid who would sneak out and participate in suspect activity. I would simple would want to be at the gym longer or visit some stores on my way back. I knew once 7P.M came around, my phone would start ring and I didn’t have to look at to know who it was. That situation was a hard hit for me because I imaging that getting my car was going to insure my freedom, but I wasn’t. In order for me to be empowered to do what I wanted to do, I had to move out.

Now, In all fairness. I only worked a Ford for about 6 mo. It wasn’t long enough because for about the first 2-3 mo. I didn’t have car and my father would pick me up from work and my mom would drop me off. Eventually my father loan me one of his cars, a 2002 Pacifica van, and I was able to get to work on my own. My father was helping me gain my independence, he understood the important of me getting my own and he was willing to help me.

Eventually to make a long story short, I crashed the vehicle and I was back to getting rides from my parents until Justin offered to take me with him to the dealership and I brought 1k with me and I was saving for a new car and I managed to find a newly used one. That time period of having my very own car gave me that sense of empowerment and freedom I need for awhile.

I went through some trails and tribulation at Ford and eventually I got sick and it was so bad I couldn’t come into work. I was a temp/new work so they have a stricter policy on missing days and tardiness. I could only miss 2 days. I missed one cause I didn’t know I was working that day. Then I missed another cause I got sick. Looking back at it, the odds was stacked against I felt I was very much so being sabotaged for absolutely nothing. I wanting to says it was ageism, but people saw a young guy like me at 21 in a place around a bunch of adults and they probably thought, “he don’t need the money.”

I worked really hard, but I chalked it up to the culture and that everybody works hard some harder than others. People ask me would I ever go back. I would says “sure.” if I never felt disrespected by them. Initially I thought it was a miscommunication but I think it was completely intentionally and they wanted me to quit, because that’s what most young people did when working there and they thought I was one of them. I quitted in way by not fighting to get my job back, but if a slave was beat and set free, why would he come back to the plantation to be beat again and be mistreated. The was several layers of corruption that took place there, from top to bottom and one of my rules for working any job is that they must match my morals/ethics, if not, then I must leave.

Now pertaining to me moving forward in my life from this point, I really need to move out. I talk to my brother jesse the other day and we had a good discussion and he recently moved back to Atlanta on terms that I would never but he is doing and making it happen. I thought to myself, I could have moved out of Ms. James house on better terms and here am I still living here. So he made me think about how I need to not only take serious the idea of moving but start to implement it.

I realize that much of the reason I haven’t moved out is because living here, I am dealing with the devil I know. A lot of the antics and the problems of dealing with Ms. James have been seemingly getting worst and I’ve tried to enjoy the good part and avoid the bad but truly it’s all about control. I’m fight for control of my life and she find to be in control. This conflict has frustrated to the point of going in and out numbness and dissatisfaction. I’ve pent up a lot of resentment towards her. Truly I should blame myself. It feels as though every time I try to take the reins on my life this women is right there speak negativity in my life, trying to hold me responsible for doing this or that like she’s entitled to my time and energy. I’ve been sick of it.

I don’t want to blame her but it ties back to something I heard and thought. “You can’t hold women responsible!” No matter how much at fault they are, it’s still your fault because you put her in a position to screw things up. I learned a lot of harsh reality about life and women living here. It’s greatly frustrating because all I want as a man is peace. People in your life will either add to it or take from it.

Ms. James do go her issues that’s no doubt and I have mine. However how we go about handling it is very different. Pertain to marriage Ms. James help me realized something that I told Jesse which was that as a man, your happiness matters more than hers, as a man your happiness is primal. If the King on the chess board is unsafe then the whole team should working to protect the king’s peace even to the point of putting their own life at risk. A woman should find her happiness around what a man find his happiness in. If a man happiness in going fish, she need to find happiness in looking at the fishes, playing with her kids on the beach, find pretty seashells… Something. If a man find happiness in silence, the she need to hum in her head her favorite song, it’s not hard. If a woman can adapt to their boss preferences what makes you think she can’t to yours as her man.

I wasn’t raised to think like that I had to evolve my thinking to realized I was raised to be slave not a King. To be owned not have ownership. To be property not to have property. Fight for your own happiness as a man, starve everyone of your resources to align yourself to your own happiness. A woman isn’t fit to be God in your life, she’ll always be a crueler to you than God will ever be. She don’t got the compassion and understanding for a man to submit to her in all things. It’s healthy to trust your wife in everything, but don’t entrust your wife with everything. Women can change they emotions in a heartbeat, you could be working all day to put her in a good mood then when nightfall comes, she’s too cold, to go here. Or she’ll say it why can’t we do this, when you already made plans. Stop compromising with woman on what you already establish. It’s YOUR Kingdom she just living it.

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